I remember my German classes back in school where we had to write different kinds of essays from time to time. The topics weren’t interesting for me and I was bad at it. The only essay I got an excellent grade in was fictional storytelling. Fun fact: I’m not really interested in writing or reading fictional novels 98% of the time.
Depression & borderline
Years went by and the blogging trend started among some of my friends. I loved to read these, wishing I would have an amazing life as they do and share my stories with the world. For a long time, I didn’t have anything to write about, so I didn’t. When I was depressed, I found some article on the internet about how writing could make me feel better. As I was really desperate, I just told myself that I don’t really have anything to lose anyway. So I started my first blog in 2010 writing about my depressions and borderline. It was scary and I was really anxious, but I really wanted to write. My articles were mostly super bad and all I did was complaining about how I awful I feel and that I want to die.
As you can imagine, it was quite depressive. Most of my friends told me that they can’t read on, because it would break their hearts seeing how I felt. I got some messages from people telling me that I’m really brave to be able to share those feelings and some would text me asking for advice when they had to deal with depression themselves. Otherwise, it felt like no one actually cared about what I would write about. But I couldn’t stop. There was something about writing that kept me going and publish more and more articles. I do read through my old articles from time to time and even when they sucked, they mean a lot to me. And I could see how my writing got better over time. Few of the last articles on that blog are actually pretty amazing, (but still with a melancholy touch).
I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.
– Anne Frank
The blog was the emotional dumpster I needed in my life, but I got sick of complaining and being depressed. I was getting better and had fewer reasons to write new articles. Nowadays I don’t write publicly about negative emotions anymore, but I treasure all these sleepless nights and tears that came with the published articles. They are a big part of who I am and they helped me to find self-love and the light I was looking for in myself.
At some point, I felt like wanting to start a kind of “lifestyle” blog. These where you show your amazing life and share the stories. I didn’t even continue the 30 days of blogging challenge and dropped the blog super fast, as I still felt like my life was pretty boring. I tried to restart after a few years, so I was working on new articles and topics I want to write about beforehand. For some reason, I didn’t keep going and never published those. There was a previous version of this blog, where I thought that I would have fun in using it as a kind of scrapbook for my thoughts. After a short time, I felt like that I didn’t really need a blog for stuff like that.
With this blog, I wanted to have something more abstract and meaningful. Some kind of a combination between those previous two attempts. I want to write about things that inspired me, the things that were challenging, but made me grow. I want to remind myself that I’m not stagnating as I often perceive it and maybe inspire some people along the way. And with this, I crossed off my challenge on starting a blog in English. To be honest, I don’t know where this is going or if I’m gonna drop it at some point, but currently, I’m still really inspired and have ideas. Even though I don’t publish that regularly.
Blogging about sex
I had this urge to tell the world about how sex sucks and it ended being a heart project soon turning two years old. When I launched the blog I kept a crazy schedule for months publishing two articles in a week. I sacrificed countless hours of sleep to keep it going. Damn, I was so tired at work the next day, but I couldn’t stop myself from writing more. I learned so much about writing at that time and connected to a lot of awesome people from the community. My publishing schedule is not that strict anymore, but I still love producing new content a lot. I still remember how I was too scared to start this alone and how the clicks just skyrocketed. I won’t lie, it’s great when people love what you write.
The moment when we moved from a free blog to our own domain, I felt like I’m a “real” blogger. Shortly after that, I spent countless hours learning about SEO, affiliate marketing and setting up social media. Though I still didn’t figure out how I can promote sexual content properly and why the code won’t show the add. (I might dive into that again in the future or pay someone to help me with that.) The blog is not like super famous or something like that, but I have a steady number of readers and it’s growing really slowly. I never thought that I would end up writing about sex, because I never really cared about it, but life can bring us to unexpected places.
Writing a book
Since I started the first blog, I just knew that I want to publish a book one day. I wanted it to be that awesome journal about my life that I wanted to leave behind as a legacy. That I existed in this world where I’m just an insignificant part of it. This goal was one of the things that kept me going, that kept me wanting to live a life worth writing about. I’m currently writing on my biography and plan to publish it in the next one or two years.
Writing a book comes with different challenges though. Fear is the worst of them. When you publish a blog post, you spent a few hours writing it. If people don’t like it, it’s bearable. But if you put months of your time on it and get rejected, that’s painful. Thinking about it makes me want to give up, but I know that I won’t. Because it’s what I always wanted. I feel like there isn’t anything else I crave more in my life.
Love for writing
When did I fall for writing? I don’t have a clue. Maybe it even started way before I published my first article. I wrote countless love letters that I never sent or healed my broken heart with writing poems. I even tried to write lyrics for a song, though I don’t remember them anymore. It’s quite sad that people tend to read less than they did in the past, but it doesn’t matter to me. I just can’t stop writing, even if I’m the only person that ends up reading it. There was this one question I was anxious about. “When are you a writer?”
Recently, I met a woman at a startup event and we talked about writing. What she said to me was really inspiring. “You are a writer when you write. You don’t need any other permission to call yourself a writer.” Since then something changed. Currently, I started thinking that maybe writing is the one thing in my life that I love unconditionally. That maybe it’s the thing I meant and need to do.
Writing isn’t easy and I know that I still have to learn a lot, but it’s fulfilling and fun at the same time. Writing feels like freedom. You are the artist of your own world and you can create anything you want to with words. It’s a medium that can inspire and touch peoples heart, beam them to other realities, connect people and it can be used to teach things. In my eyes, writing is wonderful and offers endless possibilities. I don’t even know how to describe how much I love writing.