Fear of doing things alone

I always had this fear and it’s still present as it could ever be. There are a few reasons why. The first one would be that I don’t always have confidence in myself. Sometimes it’s because I think that I’m not good enough, but most of the time it is because I know that I’m a really lazy person. It seems easier to have a partner to kick each others asses. That’s why finding people for projects is #1 on my bucket list. The other reason is that some things are meant to or can only be done with someone. Yes, playing baseball alone wouldn’t really be baseball, but I don’t mean those activities that “require” someone else to be doable.

It’s those things you can perfectly do by yourself, but people just don’t do. Because it’s “weird”. I’m glad that a lot of stigmas changed over the years, but there is still room for improvement. For example, traveling alone started to be somewhat cool. I hate that doing so is still more expensive though. You pay at least 100€ more when you book a hotel room for yourself compared to if you share one with someone. Everything seems to be designed that way to support the theory that we should find a partner to do everything with. That we aren’t complete. I hate that idea even though I’m quite an extrovert and would find someone for almost anything when I put energy and effort into it.

Maybe one of the reasons is that we people are social beings and crave for connection. With support, we feel safer, stronger and might be able to reach goals we wouldn’t able to if we would just do it on our own. The last reason would be, that you have to deal with all consequences yourself when you fail. You don’t have someone that you can blame it on. They were your own choices and mistakes. You and only you are responsible. Even though I know that failing is not always negative when one learned something from it, it’s still not something I can embrace openly. So, why do I have the urge to do things alone? Because I love solitude a lot. And often I don’t like to wait till I find someone. Sometimes I don’t even feel like looking for someone.

When I look back to all the things I did on my own, it feels like they are my own achievements. And I’m really proud of myself that I overcame my fear in those moments. Seeking professional help for my mental issues was the hardest thing to do. I remember having a breakdown at the counter only able to say: “I need help, please help me.” It was fucking painful. Even later when I tried to save myself by telling people at the psychiatry that I need to be locked up or I would kill myself otherwise.

One night I went out clubbing when none of my friends wanted to and did it regularly after that (and even started working at that club later). I attended my very first BDSM munch alone, almost pissing in my pants and now organizing one myself. I still go to IT-Meetups alone without actually understanding most of the stuff they are talking about. And I got really comfortable about attending kinky events solo as well. I even survived all my piercings and tattoos without someone holding my hands.

Last year I got tired of waiting for someone to go to Amsterdam with me and took a random train on a random day after I got fired from my work. (I’m used to traveling alone in Germany though.) Four awesome days of walking around the city, plenty of sleep, sun, smoking weed and freeing my mind followed. I didn’t find the courage to dine in a restaurant alone in the evenings, so I actually tried quite hard to find a date and met someone mediocre I wouldn’t date in my home city. It was not a really bad one, but nothing special. One evening I stayed for a drink at the hotel bar having weird phantasies about some crazy things that happen in movies when some female is sitting alone at a bar.

Last week I crossed out two things on my fear list. Going to the cinema and dinner without company. There is this huge stigma around going to the movies and dinner alone. That people who do that don’t have any friends, are lonely and no one loves them. Even though I have friends and people in my life that love me, I still had this fear of people judging me. In the end, I wanted to know. Because I really wanted to watch that movie and I didn’t feel like asking anyone to join at all. I did it and it felt amazing. You don’t actually talk anyway during a movie. I won’t go in the evenings when it’s packed, because it wouldn’t be as relaxing as I would like it to be, but it’s an activity I would like to do more often.

Back then when I lived in Berlin, I was lonely and didn’t really have friends, but I still refused to go dining alone. Lunch was fine though but most of the time I didn’t go out, because I was sleeping till the afternoon before going to work again. I usually ordered something I didn’t really want to eat, instead of going to a restaurant I wanted to try. The result is a hell long of a list of uncrossed places and the regret that I didn’t eat all that amazing food that I craved while I had the perfect chance and enough money to do so. After the movie, I went to a really full-packed restaurant and ate dinner. The best thing wasn’t the food, but that I didn’t care what people think of me at all. And I even looked into some peoples eyes.

I don’t like having regrets. That’s why I always did a lot of things on my own and will continue to do so. Not waiting for someone to save me. Yes, it’s quite challenging to go to events alone when you don’t know anyone there. My to-go method is to just say “Hi, I’m Yuki.” and go with the flow. People usually start to ask questions, so it’s less awkward after a while. I could stay alone in the corner, but usually, it forces me to approach people. Sometimes it’s just a fleeting experience, sometimes one could find amazing beings that will stay in our lives.

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