“If it doesn’t challenge you it doesn’t change you.”Fred Devito
Hey everyone, Yuki is the current name I use but on the internet “Yuu” is fine as well. Some of my older friends still call me by my birth name (Ngọc) Hà. I’m a slave of my desires. I’m addicted to change, growth, love and the feeling of doing something that is meaningful to me. I think some call it being passionate. For me personally, it sounds a bit like being a hypocrite. I don’t identify with that label, because I’m not a person who likes to
Looking for freedom…
Today is the day I decided that I’m sick of feeling guilty, not able to live my life to the fullest. There were times when I had this perfect plan. Studying, getting a job I really love, finding someone who would stay with me forever, having kids with this person and living happily ever after. I felt lost when I realized that I hated this plan very much. You will find out more about this journey in my book that I’m currently writing. It’s gonna the story of me looking for freedom while being bound by my own fears and society “standards”.
“YOLO” – You only live once.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a superhero (yet). My inner self was always craving for amazing experiences and great stories I could share with the world. Since I started my first blog, I knew that I want to leave a legacy with the book I’m gonna publish one day. I wanted to tell people the best story of my life that would move their hearts. That would encourage them to go on a personal journey to find out what they really want in their lives. Some years later “YOLO” came up on social media. “You only live once.” It was quite trashy how people used it as a label to be “cool” and interesting.
For some reason, it left me thinking and I decided that I’m gonna change. It actually went quite well and I could brag about not having regrets even if I would have to die tomorrow. Things weren’t always shiny and fun, but I was fine living in my “M-Sized” bubble. Occasionally I had these depressive periods when I didn’t experience some grave change for a while. The problem was that I never dealt with my situation until I hit that wall where my mental state was already so bad that I had all these panic attacks and cry so much until I was so tired and fell asleep while feeling miserable, boring and average.
Procrastinating through life.
Sometimes things are presented to us as if they are so easy. “Just do it.” Everyone tells you that. If you are a rational person, then maybe it works for you. Unfortunately, I’m not. I spend a hell lot of time taking care of my feelings so that they won’t take over my mind. On the outside, some call me a “life artist”. I crash, I get up, I try and I find some solution. What they don’t know is that because I’m procrastinating so much I get into miserable situations. After that, I switch into SOS-Mode and try every possibility because my survival instincts got activated. That’s how I developed this belief that I could actually survive anything if I would try hard enough. “Nothing can fuck me.”
At first, that sounds really great, right? It really was for a while. Until I realized that the bubble I’m in is just too small. That “just” surviving was not enough anymore. For the first time in my life, I wanted to dream even bigger. Doing things that are just not somewhat above average and find out my true potential. I really wanted to change and started asking myself why is it so important for me to live on the edge all the time and if there is a way of doing it differently.
The answer is: Because I’m a slave of my desires.
At some point, I started procrastinating with TED-Talks. After watching so many videos that I can’t even count anymore, I found so much inspiration. I saw all those people showcasing how they achieved things they didn’t think, were actually possible. “What if I could do that too?!” This question changed something in me. I started having those scary dreams and starting to believe that I might be able to do it. Like for real. “How can I motivate myself?” was always my biggest struggle.
It’s simple. “Find ways to motivate yourself while you are procrastinating.”
You might think that it sounds really stupid. Fact is that I won’t stop procrastinating just like that. But I believe when you find something that gives you something special, you gonna do that over and over again. What’s more fun than revisit the past and recall moments of success? It might still be confusing for some of you but I’m gonna share more detailed psychology behind this idea and about why I want to live on the edge in some chapters of my (future) book.